UnknownDestinies lies ahead

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Promo results:
Maths = U
Lit = E
Geog = U
Econs = U
GP = S
*Mid-yrs also like crap..

Need I say more?

Retainment is not an option...

like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I might as well not even study before promos...

so I wasted my friggin' time studyin during the past few fuckin' weeks izzit?

bloody hell.. My Econs teacher also lie to me.. gave me a call on my HP to tell everyone in my class everyone passed (at least an S or above). And it just so happens that I receive a friggin' U.. FUCK THIS MAN! WHY DA FUCK U HAVE TO GIMME FALSE HOPE?

Stupid ____ swells up durin' one of the PW periods.. Complimented by teacher and then act big-shot... Think you so perfect ah? Who helped u behind while u dry-run presenting.. you think you have no flaws ah? Act until liddat.. Was about to accept you as a friend durin' the past again until I came to do ur meeting for PW at home.. You treat everyone like ur dogs izzit? cb..

It's damn fucking pain to see everyone smiling in their respective LTs receiving their results shouting,
"Yay! I passed..."
"Shiok ah! I got a B for ____"
"Heng ah.. still can promote.."

FUCK YOU MAN! I SWEAR TO GOD I HEAR ANOTHER ONE OF YOU SHITHEADS SHOUTING THIS AND I'M GONNA FUCKIN' RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!

Hurts even more to look at my friends step up to J2 while I sit at the corner feeling happy for them..

ji bai..

I need to find a fuckin' way to ease this pain..

maybe I should take up smokin' or something so I can get high and forget all this crap..

Army of Two seems to be doin' the job so far.. but I'm about to finish the whole game so I need an alternative.. and fast...

This shit is seriously affecting me.. I cant see any hope in JC life anymore.. especially losing my friends.. 1T10.. ODAC.. CJC pri-&-sec sch friends..

How am I to face you all with my head up as high again?

I'm retaining a friggin' year.. I can never catch up to you guys again.. Lest the BIG MAN PAUL allows me to promote to J2... Hell, he may even kick me outta CJC... 7th Nov............ *WOW! I CANT WAIT!!!* ................

People are gonna look back at me and say inside their hearts (or behind my back)
"Hey! Isnt that the guy who retained.." (J2s)
"Hey! Your class got retainee annot? Have ah? What's his name?" (J1s)
I dunno whether to feel angry or sad when people pity me.. or should I say IF???

At least this will probably wake me up somehow I guess..
hopefully..
shit man I've spent 1 year of my pathetic life stayin at the same spot in this god-forsaken education system..

I've looked back at all the things I've done and accomplished by the end of this year. The sms-es, blogs, other things.. True enough, this would probably be my most memorable year ever since I've actually kept track of what i've done for an actual year.. *sarcasm*

I dont wanna say goodbye to these people..

Not to the class..
Not to ODAC.. (esp. since we actually been to an XP..)

Speaking of XP, I cant go to Nov XP since I already failed the criteria by failing my promos. There goes the shitstorm of memories that I could have kept if I actually went to Nov XP..

Then again, maybe nobody cares... I've just read some of my ODAC-ers blogs and virtually seeing them havin' fun.. Why cant I be the same?

Am I different?

Am I too quiet? Should I open up more? what?

tell me..

Hell.. Nobody probably cares abt me at all.. It's like I'm non-existant.. Even my classmate's friend have no idea that I'm in ODAC. *Thanks...*

Guess I'm just a shadow behind u peeps huh... all this sht about Batch XII.. I guess it's gonna work for me..

It's not that I dont want to face you guys anymore.. It's just that I dont have the guts to see you guys anymore..

especially during Nov XP planning.. Bloody hell, I dont wanna rub it in..

I'd join u guys in planning and try to contribute somehow.. But only if I feel better... Right now.. it's definitely no...

I just dont understand.. Why does a 'relatively' good person retain J1 in ODAC each year? Izzit some fuckin' curse? Cause I swear I wanna break it if it's there.. Not just for myself, but for others in the future so they wont ever feel the same way I'm feeling now.. Ever again..

IZ Lim.. I dun even know what to even say or tell him. He's prob the 1st to know abt my results.. He just doesnt show it in his eyes.. He may be laughing his head off deep inside for all I care.. Remembered abt my earlier earlier earlier post abt DMTL (Do More Talk Less).. Guess I aint doin enough huh.. Not coming for mornin runs on time anymore.. Missing during XP planning.. I'm just confused now.. but I sure as hell aint quitting ODAC! No friggin' way.. I'll just have to prove to you I aint giving up.. (I just need to find my standing now..)

Shit affects everything.. Stormed out of PW and emo-ed in some corner of the sch, MIA-ing for abt 1/2 an hr and affecting the bloody class.. All because of this shit known as promos.. People ask me if I'm ok and all, and I keep telling them "yes." but it's all BULLSHIT.. I aint gonna friggin breakdown in front of you people.. I cant afford to..

Some tell me that "It's not the end of the world."
I tell 'em "Yeah, I know.."
but deep down inside I wanted to tell 'em:
"It isnt the end of the world. But it is to MINE!"

Cant throw frisbee for shit anymore.. The light in my eyes fade each time I visit CJC again.. Re-living this shit abt promos again and again and again.. CJC Canoeists probably think I'm weird after actually playing with them for the first time.. Or maybe they're just laughing inside too..

Its saddening and depressing to see the J1 End-of-Year ceremony.. Writing some shit time-capsule to see at the end of J2 Graduation 2 years later.. How they all enjoyed the things that were shown, said and heard there. Bro. PAUL was announcing stuff like famous couple, bubble-blowers, smokers yada yada.. was feeling a bit better because of him until that TJS had to rub it in abt CCA achievements, of ODAC climbing the 7 mtns during Nov in 9 days.. Everyone was like "Wah!" and I was like "Screw you man.. why u gotta bring THAT up? *wallowing in self-pity again*"

Cant freakin' cut myself or suicide because if I happen to die, people who care for me like my family will cry.. They've suffered enough losing a mother.. Now they cant afford to lose a son.. He should have taken her place.. At least their lives would be much better off than today..

I'm in a freaking mess right now.. Those eyes have lost hope and light, my body's failing since I've lost my appetite, eating one small meal a day.. I just cant see any reason to think Life is fun anymore.. I've lost my reason to live already.. They're becoming so distant.. everything..

In the state I'm in, I dun even have the right to chase anybody anymore, let alone try to.. maybe it's because i'm too childish to believe it'll even work out between me and her.. happens only in dreams and fantasy, but i guess reality aint ever the same..

I'm probably gonna turn into self-destruction soon.. I hope to God that the things I break then will all be covered by insurance..

One whole fucking year..

gone just like that..

and in the end:

fail then fail... there aint' nothing you can do to change the statement by the judge, no matter how much you beg for it...

I should have seen it coming.. I should have prepared for it.. stupid fucking promo DEJA-VU dreams.. (earlier post)

-CJC Retainee-

*Btw, gratz Kenny for ur promo results.. dun stress-stress anymore alr ok?

writtern at;
11:42 PM;