UnknownDestinies lies ahead

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Guess right now I ain't feeling that shitty anymore..
Sorry to make you all worried..
Thanks for all the moral support..

-1T10-
Kian How, Germaine, Chiaps, Charmaine, Damian, Yi Xi, Cherlynn, Mei Xi, Gong Hua, Guan Ling, yada-yada...

~ODAC Batch XI~
Cheryl, John, Donna, Deborah, Jian Li, Mathias, Jin Shi, Linh, Maurice, etc. etc...

Kinda appreciate it.. I really do..

but I still hate that reality I have to face... *sigh*

Anyways, STITCH! I heard tmr your class got Halloween Party! I'm jealous.. =P
Must go there, have fun, take photos and post them here ok? =)

t-t-f-n, tata for now~~~

.:Jeong:.

*must try and push to go Nov XP!!! (>_<")

writtern at;
10:36 PM;

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i'm feeling very very warm now.

i need a thermometer.

anyone?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

writtern at;
5:38 PM;

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Promo results:
Maths = U
Lit = E
Geog = U
Econs = U
GP = S
*Mid-yrs also like crap..

Need I say more?

Retainment is not an option...

like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I might as well not even study before promos...

so I wasted my friggin' time studyin during the past few fuckin' weeks izzit?

bloody hell.. My Econs teacher also lie to me.. gave me a call on my HP to tell everyone in my class everyone passed (at least an S or above). And it just so happens that I receive a friggin' U.. FUCK THIS MAN! WHY DA FUCK U HAVE TO GIMME FALSE HOPE?

Stupid ____ swells up durin' one of the PW periods.. Complimented by teacher and then act big-shot... Think you so perfect ah? Who helped u behind while u dry-run presenting.. you think you have no flaws ah? Act until liddat.. Was about to accept you as a friend durin' the past again until I came to do ur meeting for PW at home.. You treat everyone like ur dogs izzit? cb..

It's damn fucking pain to see everyone smiling in their respective LTs receiving their results shouting,
"Yay! I passed..."
"Shiok ah! I got a B for ____"
"Heng ah.. still can promote.."

FUCK YOU MAN! I SWEAR TO GOD I HEAR ANOTHER ONE OF YOU SHITHEADS SHOUTING THIS AND I'M GONNA FUCKIN' RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!

Hurts even more to look at my friends step up to J2 while I sit at the corner feeling happy for them..

ji bai..

I need to find a fuckin' way to ease this pain..

maybe I should take up smokin' or something so I can get high and forget all this crap..

Army of Two seems to be doin' the job so far.. but I'm about to finish the whole game so I need an alternative.. and fast...

This shit is seriously affecting me.. I cant see any hope in JC life anymore.. especially losing my friends.. 1T10.. ODAC.. CJC pri-&-sec sch friends..

How am I to face you all with my head up as high again?

I'm retaining a friggin' year.. I can never catch up to you guys again.. Lest the BIG MAN PAUL allows me to promote to J2... Hell, he may even kick me outta CJC... 7th Nov............ *WOW! I CANT WAIT!!!* ................

People are gonna look back at me and say inside their hearts (or behind my back)
"Hey! Isnt that the guy who retained.." (J2s)
"Hey! Your class got retainee annot? Have ah? What's his name?" (J1s)
I dunno whether to feel angry or sad when people pity me.. or should I say IF???

At least this will probably wake me up somehow I guess..
hopefully..
shit man I've spent 1 year of my pathetic life stayin at the same spot in this god-forsaken education system..

I've looked back at all the things I've done and accomplished by the end of this year. The sms-es, blogs, other things.. True enough, this would probably be my most memorable year ever since I've actually kept track of what i've done for an actual year.. *sarcasm*

I dont wanna say goodbye to these people..

Not to the class..
Not to ODAC.. (esp. since we actually been to an XP..)

Speaking of XP, I cant go to Nov XP since I already failed the criteria by failing my promos. There goes the shitstorm of memories that I could have kept if I actually went to Nov XP..

Then again, maybe nobody cares... I've just read some of my ODAC-ers blogs and virtually seeing them havin' fun.. Why cant I be the same?

Am I different?

Am I too quiet? Should I open up more? what?

tell me..

Hell.. Nobody probably cares abt me at all.. It's like I'm non-existant.. Even my classmate's friend have no idea that I'm in ODAC. *Thanks...*

Guess I'm just a shadow behind u peeps huh... all this sht about Batch XII.. I guess it's gonna work for me..

It's not that I dont want to face you guys anymore.. It's just that I dont have the guts to see you guys anymore..

especially during Nov XP planning.. Bloody hell, I dont wanna rub it in..

I'd join u guys in planning and try to contribute somehow.. But only if I feel better... Right now.. it's definitely no...

I just dont understand.. Why does a 'relatively' good person retain J1 in ODAC each year? Izzit some fuckin' curse? Cause I swear I wanna break it if it's there.. Not just for myself, but for others in the future so they wont ever feel the same way I'm feeling now.. Ever again..

IZ Lim.. I dun even know what to even say or tell him. He's prob the 1st to know abt my results.. He just doesnt show it in his eyes.. He may be laughing his head off deep inside for all I care.. Remembered abt my earlier earlier earlier post abt DMTL (Do More Talk Less).. Guess I aint doin enough huh.. Not coming for mornin runs on time anymore.. Missing during XP planning.. I'm just confused now.. but I sure as hell aint quitting ODAC! No friggin' way.. I'll just have to prove to you I aint giving up.. (I just need to find my standing now..)

Shit affects everything.. Stormed out of PW and emo-ed in some corner of the sch, MIA-ing for abt 1/2 an hr and affecting the bloody class.. All because of this shit known as promos.. People ask me if I'm ok and all, and I keep telling them "yes." but it's all BULLSHIT.. I aint gonna friggin breakdown in front of you people.. I cant afford to..

Some tell me that "It's not the end of the world."
I tell 'em "Yeah, I know.."
but deep down inside I wanted to tell 'em:
"It isnt the end of the world. But it is to MINE!"

Cant throw frisbee for shit anymore.. The light in my eyes fade each time I visit CJC again.. Re-living this shit abt promos again and again and again.. CJC Canoeists probably think I'm weird after actually playing with them for the first time.. Or maybe they're just laughing inside too..

Its saddening and depressing to see the J1 End-of-Year ceremony.. Writing some shit time-capsule to see at the end of J2 Graduation 2 years later.. How they all enjoyed the things that were shown, said and heard there. Bro. PAUL was announcing stuff like famous couple, bubble-blowers, smokers yada yada.. was feeling a bit better because of him until that TJS had to rub it in abt CCA achievements, of ODAC climbing the 7 mtns during Nov in 9 days.. Everyone was like "Wah!" and I was like "Screw you man.. why u gotta bring THAT up? *wallowing in self-pity again*"

Cant freakin' cut myself or suicide because if I happen to die, people who care for me like my family will cry.. They've suffered enough losing a mother.. Now they cant afford to lose a son.. He should have taken her place.. At least their lives would be much better off than today..

I'm in a freaking mess right now.. Those eyes have lost hope and light, my body's failing since I've lost my appetite, eating one small meal a day.. I just cant see any reason to think Life is fun anymore.. I've lost my reason to live already.. They're becoming so distant.. everything..

In the state I'm in, I dun even have the right to chase anybody anymore, let alone try to.. maybe it's because i'm too childish to believe it'll even work out between me and her.. happens only in dreams and fantasy, but i guess reality aint ever the same..

I'm probably gonna turn into self-destruction soon.. I hope to God that the things I break then will all be covered by insurance..

One whole fucking year..

gone just like that..

and in the end:

fail then fail... there aint' nothing you can do to change the statement by the judge, no matter how much you beg for it...

I should have seen it coming.. I should have prepared for it.. stupid fucking promo DEJA-VU dreams.. (earlier post)

-CJC Retainee-

*Btw, gratz Kenny for ur promo results.. dun stress-stress anymore alr ok?

writtern at;
11:42 PM;

Sunday, October 19, 2008

seriously.
like how can you people not feel irritated by me when i myself feel irritated by myself?
people say they don't mind.
inside i know they do.

today was the second time in three weeks in front of someone else.
i have no idea how many more time will this happen in the coming days..

i'm kinda anticipating one this tuesday..

you know.
there's a reason for me to want to have all those interest things...
that is the only thing that i find comfort in now..
others..
they do nothing but stress me out..

screw this.
screw you kenneth.

writtern at;
8:15 PM;

Saturday, October 18, 2008

as promised. i m blogging now. uh.

rewind back to alst last thursday :D... that time after dance, went to eat wif tingwei, jia wen and cecilia. was laughing wif dem so hard that almost cannot eat my food lol. btw we were eating at subway and laughing at alot of things.

that was also when i realised jia wen can be veri fierce o.o veri scary. caz we were laughing den a guy thought we laughing at him and look at us. suddenly jiawen face turned so serious and ask him " yes what?" . fierce siol =x. shh beta dun say much if not i die le.

uh fri... did nothing much?

sat, hard the blood donation drive thingy. had to publicise it. yawns. finish le go home lo.

sunday! i ttoally 4got what i did :D... LOL. really la i 4get. zzz. wat did i do mmm. mm.... nope, really cannot remember.

mondae, sch open le! first lesson was at 1pm! pro or not. lol. it was IAC. haha. the teacher was quite fierce. if u alte = must say sry to class lol.

comt was fun xD. i introduce myself as stenphel the penguin wooo.
aniwae, 5pm finish, buy books go home.

tue normal lessons :O. boring blah blah blah. den at night got npsu meeting and dancesport. go home. the end.

wed, wat did i do hmm. cannot remember. skip to thur. : D

thur, nothing much happened todae. :O so also skip LOL.

fri! had ECE camp GL interview haha. went very smoothly. but still dunno if selected or not. den had project meeting. left sch at around 7? thats all. go home , web cam wif 2 people . : O. tio pang seh by the 2nd one caz BF call. <<<>

sat . todae. had blood donation thingy again. at night had dinner. thats all.

overall its kinda a rushed summary of my week xD. oh well.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

penguin.

tata~...

writtern at;
11:01 PM;

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

time: 1130pm

online: 4hours

waiting: 4hours

status: still offline

i think i'm falling sick.

writtern at;
11:28 PM;

what rubbish.

congrats in getting yourself into such a position

how can one person's emotions fluctuant as much as i do?

its so bad and its ridiculous.

i have no idea whether to be happy or sad...

stupid la.

i don't really know what to do..

i think i may be better off without that happening.

i think i'm sometimes better off alone actually.

like.. what i say doesn't help..

oh.

and i got back my chinese result.

now i only need to check with t25.

just that...

i don't know how..

heh.

i don't want to write how much i got though..

if you want to know can msn me or something..

at least let me happy for a while until i get back the other results can??

writtern at;
8:41 PM;

Monday, October 13, 2008

i got better since wednesday..
then thursday..
then friday..
and maybe saturday..

saturday ended in slight disappointment but it was okay i guess..

friday was kinda awkward for me i guess..
like.
from one to another.

i don't know.
haven't told anyone else yet other than vy and stenphel..
shall see if should tell..
yea..

so technically i regained a friend on friday..
yup.
(:

then it just dropped on sunday.
totally man.

i think i've lost it.

who the hell takes photos of someone they think that they are the friends of their friend?
what the freak?

okay.
fine.
maybe he reads this blog too..
i never know.
like how she knows this.
heh.

yea.
okay.
guess what.
i've been exposed.
i guess he knows by now.
hell.
he should have known like months back.

feel kinda bad though.
it was back then when he invited me to his house for bbq..
then was talking..

then i turned on him and practically snatched her from him.
what the freak.

so.
i think i lost another friend on sunday.
well.
i think i lost him as a friend long back.
just that it was still in a 'processing' mode.
now.
i guess its 'confirmed'

too bad.
give and take maybe?

just finished I&R..
rajoo totally didn't tell us or informed or reminded us about it..
i think he didn't know..
or he'll just suppose we were responsible enough to know..

guess what.
i think i really screwed jc.

really.
i'm not joking.

like.
my results are pure bad.
and pw.
gee.
where should i start from?

he has just killed 10 points for my class's uni-admission.
wow.

and i thought my written report was so damn bloody good.
until i freaked at the conversation justin and syam had.
seeked help from cher.
and she was so shocked at the quality of my written report.
'kenneth chen! why you never let me see earlier??'

yea.
i didn't know what..

cher spent 2 hours plus editing for me.

i sent to my other teacher from another college.
'your written report is not even answering the question'

what the freak!

what the hell has he been doing all along??

so.
i didn't have a choice and stayed up until like 3+ to change 50% of my written report myself.
what the freak.

didn't get a chance to vet the wr again.

so i guess i'm screwed for wr.

and PI.

and soon I&R.

what the freak.
seriously.

i don't know what to do with my life at this point now..
i really don't know...

i used to be in control.
now?
i'm the one being controlled by the circumstances.
screw this la.

this is not meant to be some emo post.
just a complain post.
if that makes any difference.

what the freak.

and everyone is asking me why i have so many white hair now.
gee.
i wonder why.

i'm scared of many things now..
things i never had before and have it now.

i never came to jc before..
i'm like halfway on my way to crashing out.
and something else.
which has always been on my mind.
but i rather not tell any living soul about it.

i can't find much laughter now.
other than on saturday night.
thanks a lot stenphel.
helped lot playing again.
(:

other than that..
i'm quite lost..

my life is slipping out of my grasp..
i don't know how to try and grab it back..

oh ya.
another thing.

stupid politics.
why on earth must you try to tie alvin and me down for the whole camp??

hello???
didn't i tell you it was concamp training?
CONCAMP!!
CON here refers to CONFIRMATION hello?

and you want your last-minute camp to take piority.
yea right.

you get the boss to override.
and you proclaim about not bypassing all channels and conplaining straight to bosses.
what's your problem man?
can't you just ask us first?

i don't think you should really fight so much over this actually..
i'm fine.
but i think alvin shouldn't be stretch so much..
he's still having school la.

and.
although it doesn't really make sense.
but if me going for the whole camp instead of the training solves everything, so be it.
yea.
just that your've in-charge of logistics with ivy and you have the go overseas before and after this camp and concamp comes straight after it.

okay.
anyways.
whacking day is coming up next.
i've haven't really gotten things done.
going to be last-minute work again.
..

i think i need to learn to work together with someone.
oh.
not in this case.
'cos you volunteered to take charge.

gee.

i don't know why i'm actually blogging in like 2.40am in the morning when i'm supposed to be sleeping.
but.
i don't think i can sleep..
can try though..
just that i'm really irritated by some people..

...
don't know what's going on now...

you've becoming my only comfort left as everything else vanishes.
please don't vanish along with everything else..
i won't know what to do..
i'm lost..
i need you..

writtern at;
2:17 AM;

Thursday, October 9, 2008

hmm kenneth, soz, even i, now also feel quite bad myself. guess its up to zy to cheer u up. zy go help kenneth. im still able to manage on my own for now.

but i dun get it. wat does this world want? life issit juz to study, get a job, and den die ? i dunno. wat concerns me is people's heart. its a cold world out there. heartless. u never noe who will backstab u anyday...

atleast i did... after getting it. wat did i even do? ... guess what jolyn says is right, only 3 people dont matter that much... right? but the thoughts still linger in my mind. i dunno... should i juz ignore? or should i go and find out what happen. i guess. i will juz let the time goes. see how i will survive.

well, sometimes i wished i was in jc. atleast people there are not so two faced as most people are in poly. IF U DUN LIKE SOMEONE, SAY RIGHT IN THE FACE DAMMIT.

so... how... ?

penguin.

writtern at;
10:39 AM;

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Promos are finally over.

Damn.. I'm worried I wont make it to J2.
I'm so screwed.

GP and H1 Lit was ok.. Then everything went spiralling down.
H2 Geography was killer.. I didnt study earlier. Too late for that now.
Likewise for H2 Maths. Just like the mid-years, almost half the questions I cant solve...
Last minute work = Last minute results
I'm just hoping that conclusion isnt true.
Hell, I'd better not retain.
Seems like reality, but I dont think I'm gonna handle it well if it comes..
or 'when' in comes..

I'm just hoping for minimum a pass in Econs, GP and Lit..
I'd be happy if I at least get a S for my H2 Geog..
Hell! It'd be a miracle if I ever get an S for my H2 Maths..

I had a dream about a week before promos started.
It was about retaining in CJC..
Doesn't seem so surprising to a average person right?
Sadly, it's these kind of DEJA-VU things in my life that I'm worried about.
There's too many times in my life when I actually dreamt or thought of something that could realistically happen, it comes true in the future.
That experience happened to me on the bus trip to Far East Plaza for class outing yesterday.
It happened again..
Wasn't the same dream about retaining, but it was a series of events that contributed to retaining in CJC.
I hate Deja-vu.. seriously sucks.
That had better not bloody happen...

Recently read the new issue of Readers' Digest. (Oct 2008)
Talked about something that was relevant to me in the section "Are you NORMAL or NUTS?",
It goes something like this:

========================================
>> "I dont like talking. (Not true to me.) I'm afraid people will think that what I say is stupid, even when there's absolutely no reason to assume that..."

Response>>
"You're not nuts at all, but you seem to suffer from low self-esteem (huh?) and hyper self-consciousness. (WOAH! How true..) This is a form of social anxiety," says psychologist Joshua Coleman, PhD, who practises in California.

Three things for you to consider:
1. Chances are, you don't sound stupid most of the time. (maybe..)
2. Even if you do say something idiotic once in a while, so what? Everyone does. (o rly?)
3. Most people are so self-absorbed (are you sure?), they aren't paying as much attention as you think. "I'll bet your self-awareness and sensitivity to what others think makes you far less stupid and more thoughtful than most other people," Coleman says, "so speak freely!" (That's risky business!)

Easier read than said, right? Coleman strongly suggests you look for a therapist; he or she may recommend anti-anxiety medications.
========================================

WOAH! Hold that thought...
Spend money on medication for anti-anxiety pills?
Are they even sure such medication existed? I dont want some kinda **** running through my veins that makes me become some *******.
Better yet..
Don't you think I'm a bit too young to even VISIT A THERAPIST??? >=(
Sheesh..

(Btw Stenphel, here's some good reasons why you should install back these games)
Updated my computer games' patches after the exams:

1. SoldierFront now has a Type 89 AR (Assault Rifle) along with some swell-looking gear for the characters. I'm having fun equipping them in Shop. (The beauty of it all!) I've also lowered the graphics level ingame. Now it's so much EASIER to kill other players. Heh! ^ ^"

2. CombatArms has an update to their Black Market. Now there's different version of knifes for melee use (M11, Ninjato and Parang), a P228 pistol that looks like it'll "kick-ass!" and new mercenary characters to purchase for use. (Mei and Deckland. Mei is the first female character ingame and not a bad-looking one too. =P Btw, dont get me mistaken..)
3. Downside to CombatArms, however, is that these stuff can only be purchased by REAL cash (I'm a cheapo! ^ ^") and they arent for permanent use. My own game also keeps causing lag, making it hang ingame so I think there's a problem with the patching. Better to go and redo it again.. Haiz! =(

One last thing to talk about!
GO AND WATCH EAGLE EYE IN THEATRES!
It's like damn freaking AWESOME!
I rate it like 4.5 / 4.8 out of 5 stars!
Don't miss it! You'll regret if you do..

Message:
"Hello (insert name here). You have now been activated. Your task is to watch Eagle Eye in theatres. You are given 3 days to do so. If you disobey, you will become an enemy of the state..."

.:Jeong Su:.

writtern at;
6:21 PM;

RE: Kenneth

Kenneth, do you remember Hakuna Matata? (Everytime you log in to this blog, these 2 words greet you.)

I know it sounds stupid to bring it up now but hey.. think about it.

Remember that it is always 'OTHERS' expectation and not your own expectation..
Dont be pressurized by what others expect from you.
You are the person who set your own expectations.
Others are more of either an encouragement or demotivation.
Choose to hear what they say or better yet, ignore it.
Remember that YOU are the one in control of your life. Nobody can take that away from you.
Live your own life the way you want it to.

Studies dont get any easier when you advance. It's natural.
Everything isn't easy by nature.
If it does, our life becomes a total BOREDOM.
I know what I'm gonna say contradicts (myself) but seriously,
some people think of these things as challenges to overcome by yourself.

Think positive..

I know how you feel exactly...
Believe me, it hit 7 weeks before promos even started (check the blog entries)...
Hit me even more times, but I just dont wanna type it down (unless I feel like it..)

Hell! I'm just as worried for promoting through this SH!T...
You've seen it yourself since sec. school.. I aint no top scorer in anything.
Naturally, everything that I think I can pass.. never does.
Nothin' we can do about it now..
Just wait..
That's the problem right?
Forget about promos...
Take the time now to do something else you couldn't have done in the past.
Hobbies.. Interests.. Anything...

Watched this a few weeks back..

Couldn't ever forget those lines since then:
"... Put all the things that bother you and keep you awake at night and clog you head up. Put all those things in a shoebox. Put the lid on it... and deal with it later.. "

There's nothing we can do about it anymore.
What's passed is past.
We have no control over these things.
Might as well do something else..
We can still improve on those weak aspects now. (To just feel better now.) But dont go overboard..

By the way, if I happened to be the "friend" you were referring to..
Dont get me mistaken..
I dont expect you to be the top scorer in your class or have those die-hard expectations on you.
I just want to know how are things going in your life.
It's just a way of knowing.. NOT a way of burdening or stressing.
Just do YOUR OWN best. Not what others' expect from you.
Sometimes, people expect these things because they WANT you to improve and NOT FORCE you to improve.
It's also because they care for you. It's just a way of showing care..

Let go of that built-up stress..
Not fully..
But majority...
Use it as a stepping stone to improve..

The way things are now.. I'd not be surprised if I happen to retain too.
I've looked back on all the things I've done this year..
Some were bold, stupid.. yet they're memorable..
I want to continue on with some of these ways of life. But I dont wanna retain or get kicked out..
Because they matter too much to me..
I'm not gonna worry my ass off those things.
I'm gonna deal with it later.. especially on 7th Nov, that day itself..

About the friends part,
I understand that feeling too.
I guess it's just not in our human nature and way of life to be expressive..
Almost 90% of the time, I experience that feeling..
It's not that I dont wish to be together with my friends or anything..
It's just that I'm wayyy too self-conscious.
I'm afraid of saying stupid things that'll hurt people's feelings.
It's good to not say much so you wont hurt anyone.
But I'm doing it too often..
So much that people think I'm like a mute or some weirdo..
That's destructive..
That's why I dont get too many friends neither.
But this doesnt reflect 100% that by being expressive means you'll have many friends.

This is just a reminder.. (from a friend.. just in case..)
You are not alone.
There are many people around you.
Its just how you make use of them..
Many people care for you.
It's just not shown 100% in public.

Smile. Things will surely get better in the coming future..
Trust me.. I know...
I know.

.:Jeong Su:.

writtern at;
5:22 PM;

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

ah. screw this.

i ain't feeling that well...
and whatever's that going to be read after this may or may not be depressing..
either way its your choice to read on if you want too..
that's why its black..

damn.
promos are over.
i'm not feeling much happier.
i feel the dread in me.

yes.
i think its time to face reality.
i didn't make it.

i didn't want to admit that i lost all control 1 full month back.
i could still save something back then.
but i refused to admit that i've lost it.

too late.

i guess its just a matter of time before i come face to face to reality.
i'm probably on the wrong track to meeting my worst nightmare in my studies.
retaining.

i've never thought it could happen to me.
never.

all i did was sat there just now.
thinking.

what went wrong.

oh boy.
that question will probably get an answer that would probably be 3 times longer than my gp essay for promos.

what went wrong?
everything.

i guess its not my character to admit it.
perhaps it got to do with my interaction style in primary school.

i don't remember having many friends.
because i never bothered to make them.

i liked being alone.
i liked watching others.

but now.
i just feel..

so insecure.
so tired.
so lonely.

damn.
here it comes again.

i guess i managed to peak in my studies in sec2.
that was way back.

4 years already.

that's fast.

i never done that well for my exams before.
that was the last ditch attempt to drag all my grades up.

i did it.
i pulled off a miraculous escape.

if i remembered correctly.
i topped the level for 2 subjects.
and also managed to be in the top few percent for my other subjects.

science was horrible back then.
i think i still failed though.

but in comparision with my previous results.
they were damn good.

then.
i think it has pretty much been downhill for me.

all the way till now.

overconfidence i supposed?

the record still stands.
kenneth chen has yet to perform under pressure in major exams.

yup.
kenneth flunked psle despite getting 256 for his prelims.
he scored a full 30+ marks lower for the real thing.

kenneth flunked his O levels.
should have gotten 10 and below.

now?
kenneth flunked his promos.
screw you.

i thought it would be easier.
thought.

no chance.

i don't think i'll get another chance come 7th november when our results are announced.

i guess t24 may just have a few less students for 2009.
too bad justin can't retain as well.
stupid contract you signed.

i've been given many chances.
but i still push my luck.

i think they've all run out before 29th september.
too bad.
you don't use your luck moderately.

now you regret not trying to save the situation.
too late.
what's done is done.

now all you can do is hope for the best and be mentally prepared.

i'm not sure if i can take it on that day.
probably just breakdown.

i don't know.
i've never come into such an obstacle before.

damn.
here it comes again.

i think i'll go by the minority door.
can't remember which.
the one brother paul will be waiting behind.

probably that.

i hate this you know.

people have too high expectations for me.

i can't live up to them.
i'm not as good as i seem.

the teachers expect me to score As in maris stella.
my friends expect me to top the class again as well.
the whole world seems to just stare at you.
and your knees buckle at the wrong time as you collapse onto the ground.

damn.
here it comes again.

i hate it you know.
i really really hate it.

people think too highly of me.
i'm not that good.
i just stumble my way through and push my luck.

i guess its gone from now on.

its as if somebody jinxed me.
no.
i just unwittingly walked onto the path to self-destruction.
no.
i knew it was coming.
but never bothered to turn back when i have the chance.

now i've passed the doors.
its free-fall from now on.
there's no stopping yourself as you fall.

you can only hope it doesn't hurt as much when you hit the ground.
or at least not feel the pain before the life leaves you.

i tried.
after july i really tried.

as usual.
kenneth cannot maintain.
he slacked off.
and now he'll pay for that.

too bad.
you had your chances.

chances.
i've been given too many chances.
way too many.

maybe that's why i feel i could still pull the stunt off for promos.

stupid.
serves you right.

i don't know what i will do.
i'm really comtemplating already.
i don't know if i should just ask and get it over and done with.
i don't see the point if i can never perform when it is the time to do so.

it hurts really.
it really hurts.

so now i'm going to see everyone move on without me.
you don't have a choice.
you have to move on without me.
i'm sorry.

all i can wish for is for just one more chance.
just one more.
please?

i've learnt my lesson.
i'm really sorry.

don't cling on to me if you can.
i'm just a burden that will drag you down.
if i get the chance.
i hope i'll be a better person.
no.
i must be.

screw this.
this doesn't make sense.

i'm comtemplating.
and i'm asking for a chance.
what logic is this supposed to be.

i think i'm kinda a jinx myself.

coming to think of it.
i've not been really useful.

i'm not sure.

but things are really bad now.
since the week before exams.

can't use that as an excuse though.
just that it provided me with a hell load more of pressure to work with.

i can't work with pressure.
it sucks.
screwed this.

damn.

its not been a useful post.
don't feel anymuch better.

sorry if you read this.

i can't say bye.
i don't want to say bye.
but when the time comes.
i may have no choice but to say goodbye.

try not to talk to me if possible.
i want to return to my primary school pastime of being alone.

writtern at;
4:29 PM;